How to Find the Right Mentor (and Spot the Wrong One)

There’s something comforting about knowing you don’t have to figure everything out on your own. But finding the right person to guide you — that’s where it gets tricky. Everyone’s got advice these days. Between social media experts, well-meaning friends, and people who “mean well” but don’t really see you, it can be hard to know who to listen to.

The truth? The right mentor doesn’t make you feel small or dependent. They make you feel capable.

Here’s how to find real guidance — and avoid the kind that drains you.

1. Look for Alignment, Not Perfection

A mentor doesn’t have to have a flawless life. They just need to have walked a little further down a road you’d like to travel.

Ask yourself: Do I respect how this person lives, not just what they’ve achieved?

The best mentors are people whose values echo your own — people who chase goals without losing their humanity. Maybe it’s someone who built a balanced life, not just a busy one. Or someone who learned how to pivot gracefully when things fell apart. You want alignment in spirit, not carbon-copy sameness.

2. Notice How You Feel Around Them

Energy doesn’t lie. After talking to someone, do you feel lifted — inspired, calmer, more capable? Or do you feel smaller, second-guessing yourself, trying to “earn” their approval?

Real mentors make you feel safe to grow. They listen more than they lecture. They challenge you, yes, but with kindness. The wrong ones use advice to control, compete, or subtly keep you dependent. That’s not mentorship.

As author Brené Brown puts it: “A good mentor holds space for your unfolding, not your shrinking.”

3. Start with Curiosity

You don’t have to announce, “Will you be my mentor?” like it’s a formal ceremony. Start small. Ask a few thoughtful questions. Observe how they respond.

Do they seem open, generous, and genuinely interested in your growth? Or are they too busy making it about their own story? The right mentors will share what they’ve learned and respect your own way of learning it.

Sometimes mentorship grows naturally — through shared projects, conversations, or even online communities. Stay curious and let it evolve.

4. Be Clear on What You Need

Before reaching out for help, take a minute to define what you’re actually looking for.

Do you want feedback on a skill? Guidance for a life transition? Encouragement while starting something new?

Knowing your needs helps you match with someone who can meet them. And it keeps you from falling into the “maybe they’ll fix everything” trap. (Spoiler: nobody can.)

When you’re clear on what you need, the right people recognize themselves in your clarity.

5. Check for Reciprocity

Healthy guidance always has mutual respect. It’s not about “teacher” and “student,” but two humans growing through connection.

You’ll know you’ve found a good mentor when they see potential in you — not a project to mold, but a person to encourage. And in turn, you bring your enthusiasm, gratitude, and follow-through. That exchange of energy keeps the relationship alive and rewarding for both of you.

6. Learn to Walk Away (Gracefully)

Sometimes a mentor-mentee match doesn’t work — and that’s okay. You can outgrow guidance or realize the fit wasn’t quite right. Thank them, take what you’ve learned, and move on. It’s not rejection; it’s evolution.

Never stay in a dynamic that makes you question your worth or intuition. Guidance should bring you clarity, not confusion.

Real Guidance Feels Like Growth

The right mentor won’t hand you answers — they’ll help you find your own. They’ll remind you that you already have everything you need inside you; you’re just learning how to use it.

And when that happens, it’s magic. Because good guidance doesn’t just change your path — it changes your confidence in walking it.